Thursday, June 18, 2009

Introducing the Girl Code

"The Girl Code" is the much needed response to the petty, catty and downright malicious behavior I have seen from women towards other women. It is a set of rules that good girlfriends should live by.

The idea first came to me a couple years ago when I was introduced to "The Man Code." My then boyfriend had just returned from Vegas where he had a attended a bachelor party. As soon as he got home, I wanted all the dirt. Who cheated? Who made a fool of themselves? Who got head from the stripper? Where were the crazy pictures? I asked all the usual post-Vegas questions. My typically loose-lipped boyfriend was silent. I have nothing to report, he told me. I pressed harder... Oh come on! Someone must have done something scandalous. He looked at me sternly. "Nope, nothing interesting happened," he stated. A boldface lie and I knew it. "What?!" I stammered, "You aren't going to tell me anything?!"

It was then he first revealed The Man Code. Truthfully, it was likely that MANY inappropriate things had happened in Vegas, yet sadly, I would hear none of it. It was his duty as a man and a friend of men to keep his mouth shut. He wisely reminded me that I was terrible at keeping secrets and would likely spill the beans. As a man who believed strongly in The Man Code, he would not throw his buddies "under the bus."

WOW. I was stunned. How come I had never heard of this Man Code before? Did all men know the code? Was there some secret society? Any strange backwoods initiation needed to learn this code? Is it written somewhere, perhaps in invisible ink? What are the other rules? And more importantly, why is there no Girl Code to speak of?


The simple truth is that men just have an understanding with each other. I won't nark on you if you don't nark on me. I won't sleep with your girlfriend if you don't sleep with my wife. If you do something outrageously funny and embarrassing, I will laugh my ass off and you are not allowed to get mad. You know, the basic dude rules.

So men have their code, but us women are much more civilized creatures. Why do we need a code? Let me give you a personal example...

Recently, I attended a party for a girlfriend of mine. After a few drinks, I began to tell penis jokes and laugh loudly at them. Typical. Across the bar from me I noticed a girl that is a good friend of my ex-lover. While giving me a disgusted look, she leaned over to another girl and started whispering. They both looked me up and down and called over of one my friends. My "friend" then began to gossip with the coven of ugly evil-doers. Since I was only 4 feet away, I clearly heard my girlfriend say "Oh yeah, definitely, she did, at least once." I did WHAT at least once?!! Screwed him in a car... made him dinner... cheated on him... put a voodoo hex on his testicles?!! What did I do that warranted this type of treatment?! How is this any of their fucking business? And how dare you talk about me right in front of my face. You indiscreet bitches. When I talk shit, I have the manners to go into the other room first!

Unfortunately, this is just one of many example of women hating on other women.

So it begs the question... Why, why, WHY do we treat each other like this ladies?? Jealously, insecurity, competitiveness, maybe PMS? There is simply no excuse for this type of behavior. Isn't it hard enough to be a woman without having to worry about other women wishing you ill-will? What happened to Best Friends Forever, braiding each other's hair, standing by each other through thick and thin? Where is the damn sisterhood these days!?

I assert that just this one time, the guys have gotten it right. Good friends should have a set of rules they follow to take care of each other. We should all know what type of treatment to expect from our friends.

Therefore, I proudly introduce to you The Girl Code (raise your Stellas and repeat after me):

I (state your name) do solemnly swear to practice the following rules daily because I want to be an ally to my girlfriends.

I vow to never make out with and/or sleep with your current and/or former boyfriend, husband or gigantic crush. (Especially not all of these people at the same time).

I vow to tell you when you look amazing, every single time you look amazing.... Even when I look like crap.

I vow to never speak badly of you to our friends, but reserve the right to talk shit about you to people you don't know. But only when truly necessary.


I vow to tell you the truth if your outfit looks terrible on you (in the nicest way I can think of at the time).

I vow to never leave you at the bar with some creepy dude because I am taking a hot tourist home with me.

I vow to only post flattering photos of you on Facebook and MySpace.

I vow to acknowledge when I have been a total bitch and ask for your forgiveness.

I vow to always share my wine, chocolate and pizza, but keep your fucking hands off my guacamole.

I vow to always remind you of how beautiful, smart, kind, and wonderful you are, especially in those moments you need to hear it the most.

To all of my girls, this is my pledge to you. I only ask that you do the same for me. Cheers to sisterhood!

Kisses.











Friday, June 12, 2009

My thoughts on being single after 30...

One of my good childhood friends got engaged yesterday, ironically, the day before her 30th Birthday. WHEW... she just barely made the cut off. (note the sarcasm here)

I am happy for her, but perhaps not as happy as I should be. I am a little jealous, I guess, (but don't tell anyone, okay?!). It is more fair to say I am envious. She is one of the lucky ones. She does not have to enter her 30's wondering... "Will I ever find him, you know him, the ONE?!"

It seems to me as a woman after you turn 30 two things happen... 1) Everything appears to move more quickly and there is pressure to have all the things you think you are supposed to, and 2) You start realizing that you are pretty fucking fabulous and you don't want to settle at all. These two opposing ideologies obviously conflict on a regular basis. It is hard enough to meet men. Now we have to care if they are good enough for us!?

So, what is a girl to do...?

This year I turn 32, which by today's standards is not that old anymore. Thank god. I also regularly get confused for a twenty-something which helps... OK really, THANK YOU GOD. But let's face it... our 30s are not our 20s. I am not quite as thin, definitely not as perky and frankly much more jaded then I was in my 20s. As my birthday fast approaches and my quarry of men rapidly depletes, I find myself wondering... What if there is no Mr. Right for me? No knight in shining armor, no prince, no soul mate, no diamond in the rough, no "the ONE." Does everyone find someone they are willing to commit the rest of their life to? Will everyone fall in love with someone who wants to marry them? What if I never meet this elusive stranger? Then what? What would actually happen to me?!

Will I implode? Will I start to reek of a strange odor? Is my face going to melt off? Will my vagina just fall out one day?! Will I become a cougar? The answer is ... NOTHING. Nothing will happen to me. I will continue to live my life as I do now.

I will wake up, go to work or school, make plans with my friends, run, make myself dinner, do laundry, go on vacations, talk nonsense with the girls, have many glasses of wine, watch vampire movies, cry, eat, sleep, poop, fall in love over and over and continue to daydream about meeting an amazing man who somehow knows exactly how to love me.

So that is what a girl should do. A single, 30-something like me. Let go of what I should be doing and do what I want to do!! Who cares if I meet someone!? My life is not that bad. My life is actually pretty darn good.

I am starting to think all of this bullshit about falling in love, weddings, and babies is just that, BULLSHIT. It’s some fairy tale that we are spoon fed since birth. Its all princesses, barbies and Bride Magazine. It’s all make-believe. The reality is... it is damn hard to find a great person to spend your life with. AND it is even more challenging to make a life-long commitment and actually keep it.

So to my newly engaged girlfriend, I raise my glass of Zinfandel and I say this... True love is an amazing and rare gift. Cherish it, be grateful for it and care for it. AND Always know I will love you whether you are single, engaged, married, pregnant, happy, sad or anything in between. But please remember this very important thing... as your single friend; you are still required to be my wing woman at the bar.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs...

"Well, you have to kiss a lot of frogs..." my stepmother said to me recently as I ranted about the lack of quality men in the dating pool.

This could be the worst of the fairytale sayings we spew. What the hell does it mean? Am I supposed to find some ugly reptile of a man and kiss him (eyes closed preferably) while crossing my fingers behind my back and hoping a handsome prince appears before me? Are you freaking kidding me?! Bollocks.

First of all, have you seen me? Do I look like someone who would kiss an ugly, warty, slimy mess? No. Second and most importantly, this is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves girls... Great men don't necessarily start out great. It is our amazing kiss, our princess kiss that transforms them from totally gross to totally doable. Talk about a load of crap, not to mention a HUGE task. Look, the simple truth is, a hot guy is already hot when you first meet him. If anything he is going to get a beer belly after you are done with him. And good people are good people. PERIOD. Sure I have seen good guys do bad things, but a good person is good consistently.

My favorite part of this verbal abomination is the frog turns into a prince. Not a hot entrepreneur with a condo in La Jolla and a great relationship with his mother... OH NO, we need more than that!! We need a prince! A guy who is about to be the leader of own f'ing country. Think of Prince Charming. He is young, tall, handsome, rules a country... Oh AND nice... REALLY nice. Did I mention that all princes are not only rich and hot, but super nice too?! (gag me).

The truth is when it comes to men there are nice guys, sweethearts, lovers, best friends, players, bad boys, assholes, sluts, and everything in between. The other sad truth is, we may think we have found a good one only to find out he is the worst of the bunch.

So I say let's take this ridiculous saying and make it a little more realistic...

"You might have to screw a lot of guys that look like princes and turn out to be jerks before you find a really great guy... if you find a really great guy."

Ahhh... much better.