Friday, August 28, 2009

Maybe There is a Nice Guy for Me

After my last blog I felt a strange sense of remorse about what I had written. I meet this great guy (Paul) and then I proceed to bash him with back-handed compliments and insignificant criticisms. Am I a complete asshole? Apparently, the answer to this is yes. Sometimes I can be a stupid jerk.

Here is my proof... All week I had been bugging Paul about going out to celebrate my new journey... graduate school. He of course gladly agreed. Last night was the night. I thought how romantic to go out to dinner after my school orientation. To make a long story short, I was an hour and a half late to my own dinner. The details of how this happened are irrelevant. What is important, I flaked on my honey. Something I never do. I hate flaky people.

The worst part is my lovely new man was not angry, but rather "disappointed," which as you all know is much worse. The shift in his normally loving and affectionate demeanor was brutal. It killed me to see his hurt and to feel him pulling away from me. I spent a long and uncomfortable dinner beating myself up for what I had done. Why was I so thoughtless? This is not normal behavior for me.

I have realized there are two causes. One, too much beer. (I can obviously not use this as a valid excuse since I choose to drink the beer). Number two, which may have caused number one, I'm scared shitless of being hurt/left/disappointed.

Paul represents something I have never experienced before... a man who is totally into me and has no shame in showing it. He treats me like a queen, like his queen. He adores me and I cannot help but adoring him. He is a good person. Loving, gentle, kind and generous. I didn't know that men of his caliber truly existed. I have seen these elusive studs in movies, heard friends describe them, but never actually met one (at least not one that was single). Searching for a man like this is as ridiculous as trying to capture Bigfoot. The longer you search the nuttier you become.

How can I believe he really is as great as he seems?

As I see it, I have but one logical option. I must finally let go and fall in love with this man. (I have been violently resisting this up until this point). Men like him do not grow on trees. A man like Paul is a rare gift. Something my mother would likely say about me. (Thanks Mom).

Maybe, just maybe there is a happily ever after waiting for me. One thing I am certain of, I will never make Paul wait for me again.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just When You Are Enjoying Being Alone Again... Here He Comes!

I think my first "date" with Paul was literally the day after I concluded that I loved my life exactly the way it was and was better off without the complications of a relationship. "POOF" a good man suddenly appears. Why does life have to be so rudely ironic?

So here I am six weeks later shamelessly displaying the classic symptoms of a girl falling in love. We talk on the phone at least 2-3 times a day plus texting. I fucking hate texting!! But somehow Paul makes texting endearing and sweet. I am starting to feel strange going to bed alone. I miss him about 5 minutes after I leave him. He left his clothes here from last night and I can stop smelling them... they smell so yummy. OMG! I am making myself sick.

I fight this feeling of adoration on a regular basis. I routinely remind myself of all the things he does that I don't like. He drinks too much, he wears a stupid hat everydamnday, he is obsessed with football, he NEVER works out, he eats McDonald's, he's not passionate about learning, he didn't even finish his B.A. (I know, I know. Now that I am in graduate school I have become such an elitist. Get used to it.)

I vacillate between imagining marrying him to telling myself that I wouldn't even care if I never saw him again, causing my girlfriend Heather to continually ask me, "And how do you feel about Paul today?" I am becoming fully aware that my resistance is futile.

Why am I fighting this? I could just be happy for both of us! Honestly, we are really good to each other and for each other. The million dollar question is... Why does it feel like I have to choose between my needs and being in a relationship? How come he doesn't feel this internal struggle? When and how did I form the belief that my needs go to the back burner when I am in love? That sucks. Why can't I put myself first AND be in love?

The somewhat sad truth is I don't know how to do both simultaneously. I don't have any up-close and personal examples of a truly independent woman in a successful relationship. My mother (as it appeared to me) gradually gave up everything about who she was when she married my dad. And guess what...? She was miserable and so was he. I DO NOT WANT A LIFE LIKE THAT.

The good news is, it's not too late for me. In my last relationship, I gave up too much of me to be with him. Which is why in the end, I knew I had to leave. At some level, I had sold my soul for love.

So how does one "fall" in love without "falling" away from themselves?

To this question I reluctantly admit... I just don't know. This time I am going to have to figure it out as I go.