Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Just When You Are Enjoying Being Alone Again... Here He Comes!

I think my first "date" with Paul was literally the day after I concluded that I loved my life exactly the way it was and was better off without the complications of a relationship. "POOF" a good man suddenly appears. Why does life have to be so rudely ironic?

So here I am six weeks later shamelessly displaying the classic symptoms of a girl falling in love. We talk on the phone at least 2-3 times a day plus texting. I fucking hate texting!! But somehow Paul makes texting endearing and sweet. I am starting to feel strange going to bed alone. I miss him about 5 minutes after I leave him. He left his clothes here from last night and I can stop smelling them... they smell so yummy. OMG! I am making myself sick.

I fight this feeling of adoration on a regular basis. I routinely remind myself of all the things he does that I don't like. He drinks too much, he wears a stupid hat everydamnday, he is obsessed with football, he NEVER works out, he eats McDonald's, he's not passionate about learning, he didn't even finish his B.A. (I know, I know. Now that I am in graduate school I have become such an elitist. Get used to it.)

I vacillate between imagining marrying him to telling myself that I wouldn't even care if I never saw him again, causing my girlfriend Heather to continually ask me, "And how do you feel about Paul today?" I am becoming fully aware that my resistance is futile.

Why am I fighting this? I could just be happy for both of us! Honestly, we are really good to each other and for each other. The million dollar question is... Why does it feel like I have to choose between my needs and being in a relationship? How come he doesn't feel this internal struggle? When and how did I form the belief that my needs go to the back burner when I am in love? That sucks. Why can't I put myself first AND be in love?

The somewhat sad truth is I don't know how to do both simultaneously. I don't have any up-close and personal examples of a truly independent woman in a successful relationship. My mother (as it appeared to me) gradually gave up everything about who she was when she married my dad. And guess what...? She was miserable and so was he. I DO NOT WANT A LIFE LIKE THAT.

The good news is, it's not too late for me. In my last relationship, I gave up too much of me to be with him. Which is why in the end, I knew I had to leave. At some level, I had sold my soul for love.

So how does one "fall" in love without "falling" away from themselves?

To this question I reluctantly admit... I just don't know. This time I am going to have to figure it out as I go.

1 comment:

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